Why do I feel so overwhelmed?

Ahhhh overwhelm my old friend. If I had a dollar for everytime a client mentioned the word overwhelm I’d be able to buy myself a …. new pair of trainers. In this blog we’ll explore what overwhelm is, why your nervous system has a capacity limit, and what you can do to get your sparkle back. I’ll also share some of my favorite techniques and ideas for ‘calming the farm’ and becoming hopefully more ‘whelmed’ rather than ‘overwhelmed’.

If you prefer listening to reading, most of my blog posts are available as Podcasts

But first, a confession… Today I had an overwhelming desire to punch a man in the dick. Call it menopausal overwhelm. Call it a justifiable reaction to manspreading on the bus and a distinct disregard for personal hygiene. Call it whatever you like, but I was overwhelmed and my nervous system reacted accordingly with sympathetic ‘fight’ mode and imaginary dick punches. Obviously I didn’t do it. That would be rude.  And I’m not a complete asshole.  I know that it was an overreaction by my overwhelmed nervous system to a relatively minor stressor, and I took steps to calm my nervous system with a handy little breathing technique that I will teach you later on.

Just quietly… to my fellow perimenopausal and menopausal ladies – imaginary dick punches are incredibly satisfying…. Give it a go.  

“I’m overwhelmed” seems the catchphrase for female clients in their 40s-50s. I know that the decline in oestrogen and menopause makes women less resilient to stress but I also hear the same complaint from men. So WTF is going on? Why are we all so overwhelmed?

What is overwhelm?

Think of overwhelm as OVERLOAD.  Your system has reach and surpassed coping capacity. Overwhelm is an emotional and nervous system breakdown when stress is greater than your capacity to cope.

What causes overwhelm?

Too much, too fast, too long = overload = overwhelm

Overwhelm might be due to chronic stress (doing a hideous job for too long), too many competing stressors (e.g. work, phone, slack messages, children, relationship, ageing unwell parents), big life experiences (getting married or divorced, the death of a loved one), or sensory overload (road works, sirens, chemical smells etc). Multiple stressors competing for your energy, time, cognitive capacity.

I also feel like modern life is running too fast for our mammalian nervous system. We used to finish work at 5pm and leave that behind us for the night. Now of course we are contactable 24×7. We multi-task and watch multiple screens. And don’t get me started on the speed of AI.

I love this quote by meditation master, scientist, writer, and Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, Jon Kabat-Zinn:

Overwhelm is the feeling that “our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.”

What are the emotional symptoms of overwhelm?

• Feeling like you’ve got too much to do and won’t be able to do it all.
• Feeling powerless and unable to deal with the situation.
• Your brain might feel like it’s stopped working and you can’t focus or it’s hard to take decisions. You might experience task paralysis – unable to decide which one to tackle first.
• Having a reaction that is out of proportion to the stimulus (wanting to throat punch Gen Z shop assistants that ingenuously say “amaaaaaaaazing” ad nauseum)
• If you’re female you might burst into tears for no reason
• Feeling angry, anxious
• Withdrawing socially

What is the difference between stress and overwhelm?

Most of us think that stress is a bad thing. However, stress is neither good nor bad, it is simply your body’s reaction (physical and/or psychological) to a ‘stressor’ which could be a change, challenge or demand. That stressor could be internal or external.

Your stress response prepares you to meet the demands of that stressor. E.g. getting up to go to work. Prepping for a big meeting.  Packing to go on holiday.

Stress becomes negative when the stressor is outside our capacity to cope. It’s either too much, too fast, or lingers too long (chronic stress).

Overwhelm is an emotional and nervous system breakdown when the stress is greater than your capacity to deal with it.  

Is overwhelm the same as anxiety?

Nope. Anxiety is an internal state of worrying, usually about something in the future. It’s usually about a fear of failure, not being liked, doing something wrong. Whereas overwhelm is in response to demands on your time, energy, resources (money) or cognitive capacity, usually from external stressors like a massive todo list, sensory overwhelm etc.

Why can’t I think clearly when I’m overwhelmed?

To answer this question we need to take a squizz at your autonomic nervous system and the five strategies it has to keep you safe in the face of a stressor:

If there is a stressor in your environment, your nervous system is going to assess the threat coming from external or internal sources, predict outcomes based on your historical interactions with similar stressors, and then set things in motion to respond before you’ve even cognitively realised that there’s a danger. Broadly speaking we all have five options:

Action: fight or flight

Withdrawal and shutdown: collapse, freeze, fawn.

In all of those circumstances, your prefrontal cortex activity is greatly reduced because you don’t need to rationalise, plan, make complex decisions when you’re faced with a bush fire – you need to get the hell out of there FAST.

Blame your ancestors: those whose prefrontal cortex shut down in the face of such stressors were the ones that survived and we evolved from them. The ones who sat around debating pros and cons, perished.

So if you are in a state of overwhelm and your brain goes foggy, you’re finding it hard to make decisions, plan, or even verbalise your experience – it’s because that pesky prefrontal cortex is offline. (There’s stuff you can do to calm down and get it back online – see below).

Is overwhelm an emotion?

Technically no. It’s more like you have multiple emotions trying to surface at the same time. For example, anger/irritation/frustration (to defend you) and anxiety or fear.

So why does overwhelm make me angry?

Overwhelm can make you feel angry because your nervous system has picked “fight” (a sympathetic nervous system response) as the most apt strategy for dealing with the stressors in that particular moment.

Here’s an example:  The other day I got irrationally angry at the hoover, (or vacuum cleaner as we call it hear in Auz but I always forget). It was the end of the working week and I was knackered (my energy reserves were at an all time low) and I felt my own internal demand to do the vacuuming before my partner arrived at 7pm (time stressor and a demand on my depleted energy reserves).  I swore repeatedly as the cable got in the way. All I wanted was to sit down on the sofa and rest. So I blummin well did because f*ck cleaning.

Can hormones make overwhelm worse?

Yes. Ladies, have you noticed feeling less able to cope with stress in the week before your period? That’s because your estrogen and progesterone have naturally dipped.

Estrogen is a mood booster and calms the parts of the brain responsible for the fear/stress response. Progesterone is the hormone that makes us feel calm and like “It’s ok, I’ve got this”.

So now imagine that those hormones have momentarily dipped (the week before your period), are slowly depleting (perimenopause) or have totally left the building (menopause).  You will feel less resistant to emotional and psychological stress (e.g. ‘difficult’ work meetings or people being *ssholes) and more likely to succumb to overwhelm.

Are neurodivergent people more likely to feel overwhelmed?

Yes, sadly. Neurodivergent people are predisposed to sensory overload, energy drain from masking, and cognitive overload from context switching required in a neurotypical environment.

People with ADHD often describe having “100-tabs open” in their brain so add this to the elements listed above and it’s a surefire recipe for overwhelm.

What helps calm overwhelm quickly?

Reduce sensory input

If you can, get away from the noise, sights/lighting, odours, textures that are distressing you. Put on earphones to manage your auditory experience. Take yourself somewhere quiet and soothing.

Breathe

Try the physiological sigh: sniff in through your nose, hold. Sniff in again and feel your ribcage expand even more. Long exhale through your mouth.

The physiological sigh activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming you down.

The double inhale and long exhale also regulates your CO2/O2 levels, helping you feel calmer. It increases your intake of oxygen and stops any stressful, shallow breathing patterns in its tracks.

Ground yourself

Bring your brain’s awareness to the floor beneath you. I like this toe grounding exercise because you can do it anywhere without people being aware of what you’re doing.

If you’re on your own, or not worried about people questioning what you’re doing, you could try one of these self-hug options:

Allow yourself to stim

Banish the memory of unsympathetic teachers from your past, stimming is your nervous system’s way of coping with stress. So rock/sway, fiddle, pace. Whatever your favorite flavour is.

Do just 1 thing

Simplify and prioritize.

If all the things on your todo list feel equally pressing, then it doesn’t matter which one you do. Just do one.

What about longer-term strategies for minimising overwhelm?

Shorten your todo list

Humans are generally overly optimistic about how much they can achieve in one day. You might have 10 things on your todo list, but realistically you’re only going to get three things done today.

This is normal because you’re not an AI robot, you’re human. Speak kindly to yourself about how much you can get done in one day.

Also, f*ck cleaning. Life is too short. So take that off the list right now.

Prioritise ‘downtime’ and sleep

B*gger 5am gym routines and working until 2am. You’re messing with your circadian rhythm, your body’s inner body clock and this is going to mess with your mental and emotional health.

I’ve written about the importance of sleep, play and rest in maintaining in previous blogs. All of this is central to maintaining good emotional and mental health as well as physical.

Life is about balance. Please remember to have FUN.

If you remember only one thing from this article, remember this quote by Stuart Brown:

“The opposite of play is not work – the opposite of play is depression”

Break up with your phone

Reduce the stimulation and allow your brain to rest or be captivated by life around you.

Every time I walk into the city, I’m really aware of people walking around with a device in their hand. If I compare that to my 20s in London when mobile phones were in their ‘Charlies Angels’ Nokia era, I barely glanced at mine. I definitely took in more of the world around me. Life definitely felt slower.

Why not use an app or a device (such as Brick) that blocks your ability to go on certain apps at certain times of your choosing). I’ve been using Brick to stop me using social media after 6pm so that I prioritise engaging with actual humans. (I have zero affiliation with Brick – I’m just an end user).

Use your annual leave

Don’t wait until you’re sick to take a break. Be like the French and take the entire month of August off! (Or rather January for those of us in the Southern Hemisphere.)

In June I had the privilege to visit the island paradise of Bali. I was lucky enough to go to a quiet area undisturbed by noisier revellers with an inferior ‘teeth to tattoo’ ratio and a distinct lack of clothing. After three days I felt my entire body soften and relax.

The waves gently lapping at the shoreline, the kindness of the staff, the amazing massages (thank you Risma)… All this helped my nervous system down-shift into the lowest gear possible.

I remember a client coming back from a summer holiday in Italy and desperately wanting to hold onto that feeling of the slowness of life, knowing that her corporate job would soon whip her up into top gear again soon.

Those holiday experiences remind us of an alternative (maybe better) way of living. And remind us that it’s ok shift down into lower gear at times.

Make an analogue dopamine drawer

Yesterday somebody told me that they have a dopamine drawer in their house. It’s all sort of analogue activities that they can do to keep themselves entertained. From crafty stuff to puzzles. Physical books to journals. Whatever your jam is.

“Play makes you feel happier and have a more positive outlook on life.” (Rene Proyer 2013)

Move your body

Movement not only improves your physical health, it improves your mental health by releasing anti-depressant substances called myokines, which science bods have called ‘hope molecules’. HUZZAH for myokines!

[For those that are interested, here’s the science: Myokines are protein communication molecules secreted from repetitive muscle contraction and positively influence cognition, mood and sleep quality.]

Interact with other humans in real life

Get to a real live movement class with other humans, instead of doing yoga or Pilates from YouTube. Studies show that when we move in synch with other humans we get a release of uplifting endorphins and endocanabinoids. Yasss!

So you’re going to feel better just from moving with others.

[Want to know the science?:

Endorphines are peptides in the brain that are natural painkillers, mood elevators and promote social bonding.

Endocannabinoids are neurotransmitters that maintain balance in the body: mood, sleep, pain and immune response.]

Dancing is even better

Dancing in particular has a wonderful impact on your mental health. Dancing with others triggers the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine, which improve mood, reduce stress, and strengthen social bonds.

The synchronization and physical closeness in group dance foster connection and belonging, while the physical exertion helps release cortisol (stress hormone). This hormonal cocktail promotes feelings of happiness and combats loneliness. So let’s get out there and make some shapes people.

I just heard about the most fun dance class ever on Monday nights outside Goma – $15 and accessible for all bodies – find out more here “Bring a plate”

I hope that this helps you understand why you might feel so overwhelmed and give you some practical ways to reduce the feelings and sensations of overwhelm. Until next time,