What matters most: lessons from the dying
On a freezing Friday in mid-June I jumped on 2 planes and 3 trains across the world to see my Dad in the UK on his final few days on this planet. I was so grateful for these last gentle days I got to spend with him. Once he had passed, the formalities of death took over, including the need to write a eulogy. Not wanting to focus on the way Alzheimer’s had slowly robbed him of his ‘Dougieness’, I started thinking of what I had learned from my Dad. The lessons the living can get from the dying and what really matters most.
Here are 3 things I learned from my Dad:
Do what you love (And being a late bloomer is totally cool)
In his 30s and 40s Dad worked really hard. I know he loved his job and he got a great deal of satisfaction from it, but I think that sadly it was to the detriment of friendships and relationships, and his own enjoyment of life.
Dad was fortunate to be able to retire at 55 and this is when I saw him thrive: backpacking around the world, rock climbing, and mountaineering. Dad started to follow his desires and I was so proud of him for being so blummin adventurous.
One Christmas I went to join him at his house in Wanaka. He must have been early 70s and he had a giant scar in the centre of his face. I asked him what he had done, thinking maybe he’d just slipped and fallen. But oh no… He had stacked it on his mountain bike descending a mountain bike track called ‘the tunnel of love’. How rad!
I too was a late bloomer. After a variety of corporate careers and multiple degrees, I left the corporate world at age 45 and set up my own somatic psychotherapy practice. I’ve not looked back. However, I am now definitely looking forward and considering what I want to do with my last remaining years on this beautiful planet. I’m thinking of the things and people that are meaningful to me, and the legacy I want to leave.
Even if you are somewhere in your mid-life, it is not too late to follow your dreams and act on your desires. You too can be a late bloomer!
What matters most: what do you want to do with these precious years on the planet?
BOOK SUGGESTION: There are many cool books to read about values, and lessons from the dying. I particularly like this one by respected author and psychotherapist, James Hollis “What Matters most: Living a More Considered Life” (Amazon)
Generosity brings joy to you (as well as the recipients)
Despite having done very well financially, Dad chose to live a simple life in his retirement. He stayed in backpackers instead of fancy hotels and flew in economy instead of frittering money away on business class.
However, in his later years Dad started to give generous gifts of money to our extended family. His generosity changed our lives.
Money doesn’t buy you happiness. But I saw how much joy he got from being able to help younger generations and witness them grow. It’s my plan to do the same for those that have come after me.
What matters most: Maybe you don’t have cash to splash on your nearest and dearest, but perhaps it is your time, your warming hugs, or your listening ears that you can lend to those around you.
Finding your home (even if it’s not where you were born)
Like me, my father was born in the UK. In the late 90s Dad started backpacking to New Zealand. He fell in love with the whole country, but mostly with the lakeside town of Wanaka in the South Island.
He had found his true home and spent the summer months there before following the migrating birds back to the UK for their summer months. Neatly avoiding winter in both places.
Like Dad, I also migrated to the Southern Hemisphere, and I found my home in Brisbane.
Many of my clients were born overseas. It takes courage and tenacity to create a new life in a new country. It’s not always easy and I often support people through this transition.
Additionally, I hear of Brisbane-based clients wanting to follow their heart and migrate to other cities or countries. I totally get it and I encourage them to follow their hearts.
What matters most: If you feel ill at ease in the place you were born, follow your soul’s desire and find your place in the world. Just because you were born somewhere doesn’t mean you have to stay there and suffer. Find the place you will thrive in.
One more thing, friendships are more valuable than gold
When he was in the UK, my Dad was lonely. He had great neighbours but his friends were dispersed around the country and he spent too much time on his own, socially isolated, which caused depression.
However, in Wanaka he had found his tribe and he had the social connection he so badly needed. He was so happy and whenever I phoned him, he was full of news of things he was doing with friends.
If you follow my blog you’ll know that I’m always banging on about the importance of social connection, and I saw it playing out in front of me with my Dad. His mood and mental health was directly correlated by the quality and quantity of social connection he had.
The nature of Alzheimer’s disease often alienates people from their friends. Fed up with hearing the 8th edition of the same story in 8 minutes, many friends disappear. However, my Dad’s best friend, Jerry, continued to phone Dad right up to the end. Even when he stopped making sense. Jerry’s dedication and kindness made a huge impact on Dad’s emotional and mental wellbeing.
What matters most: I hope you get to have a friend like Jerry. Or perhaps you are that friend for someone else. Because in the end, what matters most is love.
