10 Lessons Learned in 10 Years as a Somatic Psychotherapist
January 2026 marks 10 years since I hung up my Environmental Officer hat and became a full-time Somatic Psychotherapist. Here’s what I’ve learned really matters for you:
Your body really does keep the score
Bessel van der Kolk released his book “The Body Keeps the Score” (Amazon link) in 2015 showing from a neuroscience perspective how the body holds onto trauma when it is not safe to process it, and how people can significantly help themselves through nervous system regulation, improving the body-mind connection, and movement (especially when we are moving in synchrony with other humans e.g. yoga, dance, some sports).
Many people come to me because they can FEEL the distress in their body. Whether they have endured chronic stress and burnout, or whether they have experienced trauma, they can feel pain, discomfort, and hyperarousal in their body. We work with nervous system regulation through movement, grounding, self-touch, and breathing – whichever you prefer.
By the way, TBKTS is a fantastic book but it is a hard read because its very science focused. If you would like an easier read but still written by credible science people I would recommend:
- The latest book “Anchored” (Amazon link) by the amazing polyvagal researcher Deb Dana (I’m a total fan); or
- “The Nervous System Reset” (Amazon link) by Australian physiotherapist Jessica Maguire
Trauma can be released. I have seen it
When clients are in what we call the ‘Window of Tolerance’ (a state where your nervous system is neither hyper-aroused nor hypo-aroused – you’re feeling ‘just right’ and can manage your emotions) you have the choice to process the trauma (or not – your choice). The trauma is usually processed/released by the body when you ‘complete the action’ that your body wanted to do (but couldn’t) at the time of the trauma. For example, being able to escape from a room or a car, shake your fist and express your defensive anger towards your aggressor.
When your body is allowed time and space to safely move and express what it wanted to (but couldn’t at the time) people FEEL the trauma leaving the body.
For some it will feel like a big whoosh of energy up through the body (like an orgasm without the benefits!). For some they will feel a big rush of emotion and then nothing. A sense of ‘that’s left the building’. We are all different and experience things differently in our bodies.
As a Somatic Psychotherapist, my role is to guide, ground and contain you, so that you feel safe enough to let this go.
Not all somatic psychotherapies are trauma-informed
When I first started out as a Somatic Psychotherapist, I was taught some cathartic methods which had their roots in the original body psychotherapies of the 1960’s and 70’s – an era when people were experimental and wild. (Primal Screaming anyone??)
Whilst grateful for those teachings, I very quickly realised that some of those techniques were not appropriate or effective for helping people through trauma. Over the years I headed down the pathway of the most recent trauma-informed somatic psychotherapy teachings from Peter Levine, Deb Dana, Stephen Porges, Amber Gray, Babette Rothschild, Pat Ogden and most recently Linda Thai.
I learned the gentle, effective polyvagal techniques for nervous system regulation. I learned how to gently lead clients through the 3 phases of trauma therapy:
- Safety and stabilisation through regulation.
- Process the trauma (gently).
- Integration
I learned that the most important thing is to help you feel safe in your body and that not everyone is ready to go into stage 2 or 3. If we help you find a more regulated nervous system state because that’s all you want right now, and that’s totally cool with me. You are in control of your therapy experience.
READ MORE: Have a look at How I work
You can’t always self-regulate. You often need co-regulation by another human
One day an extremely bright client came back into her session, complaining that the nervous system regulation techniques only worked when we were together, and that they didn’t work for her on her own. There’s a reason for that…
When we are in distress, we sometimes need another SAFE human to co-regulate us. We can’t always regulate on our own. We are ‘pack animals’ and we need others.
Ideally, we would experience co-regulation as kids with our primary care giver. But, sadly, that’s not always the case. Sometimes mum is exhausted, unwell, depressed, unable to regulate herself, a victim herself of adverse childhood experiences, or simply never received that co-regulation herself and doesn’t know what to do.
Many of you will have been left on your own as kids to try and self-regulate. Sent to your rooms in a heightened state with no idea how to calm yourself down. Your distress ignored and invalidated.
The good news is that your brain has neuroplasticity and can LEARN. That’s why you need to experience co-regulation as an adult multiple times to reinforce those new neural pathways.
Through repeated experiences, your amazing nervous system will learn when it is safe to come back to a more regulated state. Repetition is the key here.
Which brings me to…
It’s not just the techniques – it’s also the relationship between you and me
You are wounded in relationship and you heal through relationship. It is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives.
The somatic techniques are ESSENTIAL but their function is to help you regulate and FEEL. They are the vehicle not the end goal.
Neuroplasticity and emotional growth happens when we heal through relationship.
As a relational somatic psychotherapist, I stand in for the missing relational experiences to date in your life. I provide the containment (regulation), reassurance, soothing, interest, listening, understanding experiences that have been missing to date.
I might look like I’m just listening to your story when you are talking, but part of my brain is going ‘underneath’ the story, listening out for how you were feeling emotionally and what the missing experience was. Did you feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood, rejected, unloved, alone?
If you have been harmed/upset/rejected in relationship with another, then feeling safe, seen, understood, and accepted in the presence of another human helps rewire old patterns and teaches your nervous system: “Oh… maybe it’s safe to connect. Maybe I’m not so unlovable or unworthy as I thought I was.”
LEARN MORE: Relational Somatic Psychotherapy
Many women coming to see me have a later-life diagnosis of neurodiversity
Whether it’s ADHD or Autism, many women are diagnosed later in life. Women are taught from an early age to mask and put other’s needs first, so this is sad, but not unsurprising. What is even more sad is that these women have struggled for so long to fit into a neurotypical world and it has influenced their mental health and relationships.
Many are feeling misunderstood.
Many are overwhelmed by living in a neurotypical world.
Some are self-soothing with bubbles/grape juice, shopping etc We can do better. Let me teach you polyvagal regulation techniques to soothe your soul.
Many are told that “Neurodiversity is a super power” by well-meaning friends, but it’s not a super power that anyone actually wants.
My therapy room is a neurodivergent-friendly space for you to explore your feelings, stress, burnout, anxiety and more. Let’s dive below the supposed ‘super power’ and look at you as a human.
READ MORE: Somatic Therapy for Neurodivergent Minds
People with neurodiversity are more likely to have experienced trauma
People with neurodiversity are more likely to have experienced trauma. Whether it is:
- Social trauma:
- Bullying, feeling misunderstood by friends or colleagues, feeling excluded or ‘othered’;
- Being more likely to be in a situation of danger due to not recognising social cues;
- The emotional and physical load of masking
- Sensory overload
- Abuse (of all varieties)
- Having a heightened nervous system and therefore more likely to experience anxiety, panic attacks etc
- Medical trauma (people not asking the right questions, or being discriminated against because you are different)
As a somatic psychotherapist who has learned from her clients over the years, I hope that I provide a safe space for neurodiverse people to learn nervous system regulation skills and to express their emotions, fears and dreams. But feel free to tell me if I do something incorrectly or ask you something stupid.
READ MORE: Somatic Therapy for Neurodivergent Minds
Not everyone has interoception. Many people with neurodiversity are unable to sense internal sensations
If you are a neurotypical person, you might assume that everyone can feel and identify sensations inside their body (we call this ‘interoception’). Hunger pangs are an example of this. But many neurodiverse people do not have the same neural connections. (For example, my partner has no internal sense of hunger. He’ll become really grouchy later in the afternoon after skipping lunch. I have learned to lob a banana into his office and run away until it is safe to return!)
So if this is you, we work with what you are aware of: sensations on the skin level – where you meet your environment; your senses; or your own way of describing things (e.g. “I feel sparkly inside”)
Childhood developmental trauma (even trauma with a little ‘t’) is the cause of most adult relational difficulties but it’s not insurmountable
I would say that a high proportion of my clients have experienced less than ideal parenting. Sometimes the parents are literally ‘fire fighting’ an unwell sibling and your needs went unnoticed. Perhaps you got love by helping others and denying your own needs. Perhaps you had to parent your own parents, being their confidante, so that your needs went unmet. Sometimes it is a case of scary, unpredictable mummy.
The good news is that your brain is a marvellous piece of biological engineering and it has this wonderful thing called neuroplasticity – the ability to learn and literally re-wire connections. Meaning you make NEW neural pathways by your new relational experiences.
Your lifestyle impacts your mental health (sleep, nutrition, movement, rest, play and social connection)
I bang on about this all the time. (Sorry, not sorry). Because it is important. The way we are currently living is not conducive to great mental health.
The things you do in your time away from my somatic psychotherapy studio have a HUGE impact on your mental health.
(Yesterday someone offered me a heap of chocolate and crisps/chips. Deeeelicious. But guess who woke up feeling grumpy and in a low mood this morning? Thankfully a long walk and better food choices made their impact by midday.)
If this is something you are interested in learning about, please let me know and I’ll happily share my research with you. In the meantime, have a read about:
